THE FIRST TIME SHE CRIED

We were on our way home, a little drunk maybe but still able to walk properly. We were very happy chitchatting about school, life and love when i noticed that she'snot beside me anymore. I called out her name but no response at all. I turned back and there she was, crying.
***
I will never forget that night she cried under a huge mango tree. It was drizzling and the more worried I was. It was late and with me, someone's who's drunk and crying. And one heavy rain was about to pour. But to my dismay, she was actually happy that it was going to rain. Maybe because it was to her advantage or maybe she didn't care at all. I really didn't know what was on her mind except the fact that she's crying and hurting.
***
I can't remember even a dog passed by that night. So she was free to cry out loud and pour all her kept anger and anguish to that poor old tree. It was and, is a painful sight. Every detail is as clear as a crystal till now. How can I ever forget if it's not only the first time I saw her cried in vain and in too much pain but also, cried in someone else's presence?
***
I though that I was prepared for it since I already saw it coming. For months, I and our other closest friends tried to make a way into her. For many times we had open forums just to trigger her emotions till she would burst. But for months , she kept her silence and her usual happy face. She would crack jokes every now and then. And even made fun out of the very problem she's facing just to make us feel that she's alright. She may have convinced us sometimes but we knew she was not fine.
***
No doubt that she's strong but we knew she was holding on a thread. And as a saying goes, "No man is and island" and since she is dear to us, we were and is still are with her. She may have locked herself inside her room for days, but we never missed to knock at her door, literally and figuratively. We continued to let her feel our presence but at the same time, kept our distance for we knew she needed to realize things on her own. And it paid off.
***
Clearly, I was totallt caught by surprise when she cried for the first time. I didn't know what to do. It was usually me who seeks her advice and whom she willingly conforts. And when it was the other way around, I got numbed for a while. But I did what a true friend should do. I let her be but stayed beside her, let her feel that I was and am with her, let her know that she's not alone and never will be.
***
I must say I was relieved and somehow happy. To be able to see that my friend came out at last and to be there when she needed me the most, was and is one memory to be cherished. And so, I will never forget the first time she cried.
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acknowledgement:
MIDNIGHT BABIES

my-now-favorite-song: deciphered

deciphered lyrics of my-now-favorite-song...tnx to passion/fashion

Flightless bird, American mouth
Iron and Wine

I was a quick wet boy, diving too deep for coins
(I am who I was, trying hard to be at my best)

All of your street light eyes wide on my plastic toys
(then you came and made me fall)

Then when the cops closed the fair, I cut my long baby hair
(but when the world disapproved me, I showed them who I want to be)

Stole me a dog-eared map and called for you everywhere
(you showed me my direction, I will long for no one else but you)

Have I found you
(Are you really mine now?)

Flightless bird
(you said you won’t leave me),

jealous
(the world envy me for having you),

weeping or lost you
(but then I lost you),

american mouth
(for me american mouth signifies idioms or better words said)

Big pill looming
(a danger was posted)

Now I’m a fat house cat
(found myself at home)

Nursing my sore blunt tongue
(trying to cure a broken heart)

Watching the warm poison rats curl through the wide fence cracks
(pushing myself to move on)

Kissing on magazine photos
(yet memories of you help me not to)

Those fishing lures thrown in the cold
(my love was just swept away)

And clean blood of Christ mountain stream
(Yet i still see hope)

Have I found you
(Have you really been part of my life?)

Flightless bird
(who once told won’t leave me),

grounded
(I believed),

bleeding
(and am now deeply hurt)

or lost you, american mouth
(I lost you)

Big pill stuck going down
(but you still can find me).

I LOVE SUNSET...

a time to wave at a chaotic day
a proof that i have surpassed another day of uncertainties
a sign that a new hope is on the rising
...
I LOVE SUNSET
coz it tells me
to stop
to forget
and to move on
...
so when i bid good night
be assured I'm alright
so for now
GOOD NIGHT.

MAY night crisis

"I'm not breathing...I'm suffocating without you...Do you feel it too?"

-Undiscovered, Ashlee Simpson

I know. I know. Ashlee is, well, if not so "trying hard", let's say, at least one "fighting spirit." But let me just quote a line from that song because, literally and figuratively, for the first time in my life, I experienced having a hard timr breathing, as in like I can't breathe at all.

But I would still kill for those wide-eyed, thick lashes, blue eyes. Heck, can't deny that she really got the looks. [Laughs]

Moving on...

Yeah, May is indeed a challenge. I thought that it would be on my first month here in the metro. It was then but "stress" is still not in the atmosphere...just yet. [Laughs] It was really fun during those times because we were paid even though we were just "papetiks-petiks." But now comes the real thing. "Stressed" can't even justify what I'm going through. Kinds of sickness are ambushing my now-so-fragile immune system. My mind is being tormented with the upselling vs. quality and still have to think how to spend my earnings practically. My dreams now are filled with different calls I had, bad calls to be exact. My eardrums are about to explode. My eyes are now radiation suckers. Adding up to the memories of the past that still haunt me, trying to break in again just to ruin my day and to think that i'm not done picking up the broken pieces yet.

I agree that to be challenged is a flattery for only the strong ones are those who are being challenged. I may look weak at times but I know I'm strong. And I can take challenges while patiently wait for my sun to shine once more. But too much is unforgivable. This may seem childish and so shallow compare to others'. But when you're away from home and still trying to fit in while managing your resources while giving your best then comes rain at times when you feel like so all alone, who would still be flattered about it?

I know I shouldn't be complaining for I chose to be here since I wanted to grow but come on, I'm still human. I can still complain about life and it's uncetainties. But what can I do? One must grow and this may be the way for me to reach that. So much for growing!

SO MUCH FOR HAPPY ENDINGS...

there's really no point in seeing you and give in to what my heart desires if in the end you still have to go and leave me hanging...i'm tired...i'm still human...though i can still wait...but definitely not forever...long did i already accept the fact that you can never be mine...it's enough that i've been a part of your life...that you let me be part of it...somehow! i rather have you as my friend than not having you in my life at all...

still in progress - needs title & melody

...
A bottle of champagne
Really not enough to cure the pain
I drove for another mile
Just to make a pile
Heading somewhere else
Looking for some wishing well-s
Got to make lots of wish-es
Before this heart turns to ash-es
...
I broke your heart yet you broke mine
Far worse than I have anticipated
I ain’t settling now for a glass of wine
Coz the least I want is to be jaded
I’m free alas
But why was it so fast?
...
Now teardrops start to fall
In that song, is this what they call
Many sleepless nights and the tears I cry?
Forgetting not that matching sigh
Might as well I should stay
In this bar and sing “my way”
To find how true what people say
Folks got killed for singing “my way”
...
I didn't mean to break your heart
You could’ve been easy on me
Why didn’t you tell me from the start
You know I wanted to be free
Okay, I wanted to
But not by hurting you…

...
I broke your heart yet you broke mine
Far worse than I have anticipated
I ain’t settling now for a glass of wine
Coz the least I want is to be jaded
I’m free alas
But why was it so fast?

LOSING YOU IS LOSING ME!

Have you watched rush hour 3? In case you haven't watched yet, there was a scene there where Chris Tucker was confused between the apprentice's and the master's names...Duh! Just watch the movie if you want to know what I'm talking about. I'm not really good at narrating. [Laughs] Actually, this has nothing to do with what I'm going to write about, at all. I just can't forget that scene when I hear the words "you" and "me".
...
Well... "Losing you is losing me."
...
Oh, come on! Grow up! This is the worst I've ever heard so far!
...
I know, losing someone dear to you is really hard. Oftentimes, "hard" can't describe the pain of such lost or even justify what you are really going through. But that doesn't mean the world ends there. "Lost" doesn't always mean "end". Most definitely. Sometimes, losing is gaining. And sometimes, you have to lose in order to gain. I believe that this applies to everything and everyone. But let's stick with losing someone.
...
As an average human being, I'm no exemption to this dilemna. I have lost several times. And throughout time, I was made aware that despite the lost, I was able to gain.
...
I was "hooked up" with someone I thought to be my destiny. Believe me, it's more "corny" then than how it sounds now. Anyway, that someone was a long-time crush. So when I had the chance to have him, I did everthing to get him. And I must admit, I kind of lost myself back then. But in return, I got him, I guess. And just as I thought that things will be great from then on, he left. And I've never been so clueless, confused, shocked, sleepless and very paranoid after that. I really didn't know what to do. I thought I'll go crazy. Fortunately, I'm still here, sanely writing and trying to convince people. [Laughs]
...
Of course, it was long before I've moved on, like years long. I am myself now. I really have myself back when I lost him. That's what matters most, right? And that's what I'm trying to tell you folks.
...
If you say that you'll lose yourself without him, forget it! It's definitely not love anymore if that's what you think what love is. Love is supposedly to bring out the best in you, not bring you out of yourelf or out of your mind. Love is to nurture not to destroy or exploit. So when you say that you'll lose yourself, think again. Because it's like saying losing your life. Duh! My point is simple, when you think that you truly love someone that much for you to lose yourself, snap out of it! It won't do anything good not only to you or to him but also to those around you.
...
I'm not saying that you have to take everthing that I'm saying or that I'm right about this matter of love and life as well. I'm talking just based on my own experience. You don't really need me or anyone. You actually know what to do. You just have to wake up first.

A SONG THAT WAS NEVER HEARD

Do you know how many songs are there already? I don’t think so. And neither do I. Answering this would take more than a lifetime. Well, of course, so long as there is humanity or any living thing in this world, there will always be music, there will always be songs.

...
People write songs to express what or how they feel. Some make them for their religion, some for their loved ones, some for their country, some for themselves, and some for money. That is why there are songs that tell a sad story or proclaim a victory or declare passion and love or simply say nothing important at all, et cetera.

...
But I’m not writing for the facts nor for the technicalities of it, I’m here to tell a story about a song that was never heard. I know you haven’t heard every song there is, but this one was never heard by anyone except, of course, the one who made it.

...
Three years ago, I had the chance of meeting this person in a gathering. I forgot how old he was but I think he was two years my senior and I was 15 then. Hahaha! I’m just kidding, I was 19? Hahaha! Anyway, he was the one I first noticed when I arrived. He’s not attractive, okay. It’s just that he was alone and appeared to be in need of someone to talk to. Fortunately, we were introduced by a common friend. So I learned that he was some guitarist/vocalist of a band. And again, I forgot the name. And after we were introduced, he went back to being alone, stuck in that corner of the room, holding a pen and a paper, and trying to write something despite the noise. I thought he was preparing for a speech so I approached him thinking I could be of help. What more will you expect from me? Hahaha! But he didn’t notice me until I spoke, imagine that! Hahaha! I know he was not up for a conversation but I know he wanted to talk to someone. Good thing he was a perfect gentleman, definitely far from his rough look. And when I finally got him to talk, I found out that he was not writing a speech, he’s not even one of those who will be giving one. You got it! He’s writing the song I’m talking about. I asked him what the song is all about and for whom. He didn’t tell me. Huhuhu! He said that he just started writing. I know he just made that up just to stop me from questioning and I respected that. I actually sensed that it was really a personal matter. And I let him be. And later that night, the common friend I told you a while ago drove me home. Unexpectedly, he was asking a lot about the guy instead of me asking about him. But then the asking turned into storytelling. I then learned that he, the guy I just met that is, just broke up with his “rumoured” girlfriend. Rumoured because what they had, according to them, was not official. The parents didn’t know though I’m sure they were one of the reasons of the break up and even their friends didn’t know the real score between them. They were just shocked that they broke-up. I don’t know how true this break up is but it’s their business. What’s more shocking is that the host that night was actually the “rumoured” girlfriend. I just hope I didn’t offend the girl by talking to him that night. If only I knew. Well, the girl still invited me a year after, maybe it was nothing to her anymore. Now then, I knew what the secrecy was all about. It must have been very hard for him that night.
...

I thought I won’t be seeing him again after that but a trip back home was all I need. We were still familiar with each other since it was just a week later. So we were seatmates during the trip, which is to my advantage. Of course, I can now ask about that **** song. And I had an hour and a half to do that. Hahaha! He was probably cursing me back then but I don’t care. So I kept on asking until he shared a little. But the sharing had been all about his band and their music and the possibility to disband. And for the song, he just said that he’s still working on it. I wish I could ask more but then I knew I had to stop. Heartbreak is enough for the poor guy and constantly reminding him of it is already cruelty. Hahaha! In short, I didn’t get anything from that trip.
...

And now, after three years, I saw him again. He was not the rough-looking guy anymore. I must say that he really improved, physically. Hahaha! We did a short chitchatting and, accordingly, he just arrived from Manila last week and he’s going back this weekend. The funny thing was that the first thing I asked him was the song he was working on three years ago, which made him burst into intense laughter. He couldn’t believe that I still remember that after all these years. If it wasn’t clear to me then, there’s no way I could get over it, I told him that, which made him laugh even more! Hahaha! But to answer my question, he said that I can have it if I want to. I asked why, of course! And he said that there’s no reason to keep it and he sighed. I didn’t ask further and I didn’t accept the offer though I was tempted to give in. Just the fact that he made it for the one he loves or loved and that the one he was supposed to give it to didn’t have it first is more than enough for me to forget it. And we parted.
...

But I didn’t stop there. I texted all my friends who knew the girl and I found out that the girl is already married and now, expecting her first baby. I guess that explains the sigh…
...

Actually, I’m still wondering about the song because somehow I can relate with the guy in some ways. I also have written some songs but at least some of mine were already heard. I’m still thinking what the song is all about, how it sounds like, and how deep, passionate, or meaningful are the words in it, et cetera. And I wonder how it must have felt to give away what you have worked hard for or to have someone else make use of it.
...

[Sigh]I’ll try not to write this kind of an article again. Hahaha!

my simplest birthday celebration...so far!

It's my birthday today... Wheew... I'm not getting any older! [laughs]

Don't ask me of my age... You won't get any response to that... Just do your research! [laughs]

Anyway, yeah, this is my simplest brithday celebration so far! Why? Well, I'm celebrating it alone... And somehow I like it... coz I really have my special day for myself... hehehe... Where are my friends? Well, I did an advance celebration last week with them though... So another week of celebration with them again? Good luck to my wallet... hahaha...

As of now...obviously...I'm posting here another nonsense...hahaha...And maybe later on I'll be heading downtown to unwind...naks! I'm still thinking of a best spot for a loner...hahaha...hmmm...I'm used to being alone actually but this time is different... of course!

I thought of watching a movie but I always do that...duh...what can you expect from a movie buff...if only i can go watch movies everyday, i'll be more than willing to do so... And so I thought of going to blugre in MTS...but then again, I always go there...I guess the crew there are already familiar with me...besides, I want to have a good sleep tonight, so no coffee for now...in fact, I already had 3 cups for this day...I just wish i could still have a good night sleep... I also thought of going to seawall...but duh...alone and no ride? hahaha...I can't think of anything else...so I'm stuck here again exposing myself to radiation...hahaha!

Watta celebration! Happy birthday to me!

Thanks to all who didn't forget to greet me!

ONE CUP OF COFFEE & IT'S A BLAST!

I really love drinking coffee as much as I love watching movies. It has been part of my daily life. It has played a great role in some of my life's significant times. Coffee was there during exams and defense, when I'm drunk and heartbroken, when I'm alone and bored, when I'm with my friends and talking all night long or simply when I get crazy again and just doesn't want to sleep at all. You may have notice that it's more than a "drink" for me now. Yeah, it has become a great companion. I can't call it a day without it. As a matter of fact, I'm having one right now. [Laughs]

In almost everything that I do, especially those that require staying up all night, I must have coffee first. As I've said, "One cup of coffee and it's a blast!" [Laughs]