Is It Okay If I Call You Mine?

just for a time... (Paul McCrane)

Such a good song, meaningful lyrics,soothing melody and a soothing voice. A song filled with longing, wanting, needing, missing...

Well for some time, can't remember now when exactly...but yes, way back then, I thought it "connotes" a sad message, moment, experience... for it seemed like the love ended and one still holds on...that one has not moved on yet...or that it is a one-sided love...

That was then... When I was all naive and mmm say, fragile? (laughs)

But with the recent events...twists of fate...lovely twists of fate in fact... I have a whole new perspective...another story actually plays in mind whenever I hear this song...which was just few minutes ago...

What I see now...so vividly for that matter...is not of an "ending" but a "just parting for a moment but will be united someday soon"... simply put, a long distance relationship...

"I ca't wait to see you again..." This very line from the song proves me right after all but also proves how wrong I was before... *wink

Indeed, whatever mood you are in affects how you see things...how you would react to events...et cetera...of course!!!

I was blinded before that all I saw was the sad part...glad to be awake.

And now, I'm experiencing LSS (last song syndrome) as usual...well it's a good song so I don't mind singing/humming it all day..at all. I guess, well I'm quite sure that this is one of the anthems for those who are in LDR (long distance relationship)...Cheers!

BACK TO INNOCENCE

I sure do like the song by enigma. But I am not here to talk about the song.

I was watching CNN World Report when during a commercial break for prudential insurance; children were asked what their plans and dreams are. And one child caught my attention, and everyone’s for that matter because he was the last one to speak. I am not sure what was asked of him but I am quite sure it is related to money and so he said, “Save them and buy (lots) bubble gum…” and he chuckled.

“A child has no ego, no past or future. The child has no attachments, and because of this, he is able to express himself fully, without any prejudices or preconceived ideas.”

~ Amma ~

Well there are times I wish I am a child again. How I miss those times when I look forward to weekends and school breaks. How I miss running without worrying what people may think. How I miss playing in the mud without being judged. Oh, I miss a lot of things. It’s not that I cannot do those things right now, but as an adult…I, we are expected to be proper and conscious of our every actions.

But well, I am a stubborn lady so I say, “Who cares?” lol…

My Legacy

“Everyone must leave something behind when he dies, my grandfather said. A child or a book or a painting or a house or a wall built or a pair of shoes made. Or a garden planted. Something your hand touched some way so your soul has somewhere to go when you die, and when people look at that tree or that flower you planted, you're there. 

It doesn't matter what you do, he said, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away. The difference between the man who just cuts lawns and a real gardener is in the touching, he said. The lawn-cutter might just as well not have been there at all; the gardener will be there a lifetime.” ― Ray Bradbury


Ever since I started to know what is right from what is wrong... Ever since I started to slowly mature... Ever since I started learning... Ever since I learned that to be able to move on, one must dream... And so ever since I started dreaming bigger that I used to... I knew I won't be settling here... I knew and I felt that I was meant for an adventure of a lifetime...somewhere else. And I won't be able to do so...if I stay.

I did try once...and it was both fun and bumpy ride. Looking back on those days when I had a glimpse and taste of independence...I now realized why I had to come back home in the first place...I wasn't really ready and most especially, family comes first.

And now that I can somehow say that I am ready for that adventure...I must face this challenge... to put things in order and stabilized this "project" I started...hoping that it will be ...my legacy.

At least, I left something before I take in another challenge...before I pursue what my heart really desires.

BREAKING DAWN

Dawn is the time of the day when the light first appears in the sky. But breaking dawn may be the commencement of the day.

No. I am not here to talk about the actual moment of day which we so-called dawn, as we all used to say, “Dawn is breaking.” Nor I am talking about the last installment of the twilight saga which has girls of almost all ages got so hooked and going gaga over the superficial characters from which people who played the roles and most especially the capitalists have been taking leverage of.  But somehow it is of relevance to that time of day…the metaphoric way that is. It is because my versions of “breaking dawn” happened in the afternoon.

Dawn. As a noun, can be that time in the morning, the first appearance of daylight or simply the beginning or rise of anything. As a verb, to begin to grow light or to open or develop. Both connote the same thought, obviously. But my experience with the word was more of a verb that is…to begin to be perceived…

Literally and figuratively, my “breaking dawn” was indeed very late. I sure needed the time to think things over but when the idea, the answer, dawned on me… I was already late. It was already twilight.

I AM NOT A WRITER...

by profession that is...

Let's say...I am just very opinionated at times, a hopeless romantic in a way, very imaginative and a bit of a "rhetoric". I often don't say what I really feel that is why  writing is very helpful for me not to dwell on "past bad events and memories".

Besides, as how I am always reminded growing up, "If you have nothing good to say, you better not say a word at all." So true. Of course, I sometimes forget when I am almost to explode with anger. But, as being raised to be with finesse at all times, I must control. That is why I am here trying to write.

So what am I?

I can proudly say that I AM A WRITER. (did I also mention I am self-contradicting individual...laughs)

Anyway... I don't earn money out of it, BUT... at least, I have earned some respect from those I also respect. And that, I am contented.

So...until my next inspiring or challenging days.

An UGLY personality, DESTROYS a pretty face.

INDEED.

I so happen to be lucky to have a righteous mother...who will constantly remind us to be good. And like she always say, "Good things come to Good people." and that, "A good heart shines through." With a mother like that, it's both pleasure and pressure...laughs.

My mother, like any normal person, is not perfect. But one thing for sure, she is kind. And that reflects on how she looks like. People are always at awe when they learn that she is in her 50s and that she had nine (9) children and two (2) grandchildren. People say that maybe because she smiles a lot. But it's not for us and for those who really know my mother and even my mother would say, that she is able to smile a lot despite all the stress, not because she can. "Anyone can smile," she will tell you that, "But its another story when you can really "genuinely" smile." And I am certain we all have seen fake smiles. A person who has good personality can really give, not just good smile, but light feeling. A smile that is contagious.

That is why, I really got disturbed when this girl, very pretty girl, came in the cafe...all smiles. Like you can almost see all her teeth. She was apologetic for she came very late. You might be wondering why I know this. NO. She isn't the company I was expecting. Just that, we are just one table apart. And oh my, she has loud presence.

Going back...

Yes, she was being sweet as she apologized. I have no idea how late she was since I just arrived five minutes earlier but her friends sure looked pissed. One was actually in a hurry that just a minute or two after she arrived, that friend left. And viola. She was like making faces as they watch their friend leave. And good thing,  my manners were in tact, coz I really felt like raising an eyebrow.

I didn't really listen after that coz I have more important things to do than dwell on how "good of a friend" that pretty-face girl is.

bottom-line...ladies and gents...in this world...no matter how busy, fast-paced it has become...there are still eyes watching your every move, listening to each word, getting the vibe you are exuding, et cetera...yes, sadly, there are some who would really prefer pretty faces over good personality...but if you already have the pretty face, be as good as you can be...actually, all should.

I'm actually just going around here...so imma stop and actually have to run now...im sure you got the point...

ready..set...think...hope...pray

i don't know if someone can relate to me...i guess most girls do...as they say...we are fickle-minded individuals...but i really do hope that at least one can relate to me...

have you felt like you already made all necessary preparations to say that you are ready...it can be relocating, shifting to another college course, buying that clutch/bag/shoes/et cetera?

i'm sure you know what i mean...

i have this one not-so-crucial-but-still-important make-or-break moment...where i have to choose whether to hold on to the past, be happy with the present or take a chance on the future...(guess i should have this as the title...laughs).

it may sound simple....but choosing one or even the thought that i have to choose was and is really quite an ordeal...the fact that whatever i choose, many would really be affected...of course, there's always consequences to whatever you do...

yes...i was ready...was...when i only have the past and present to choose from...i was set to go to what i believed in was right...but like i have been told, not all that felt right is always right for you...an oh, reality bites...then came a tempting chance in the future...

so just when i thought that i was ready set...i had to stop to think again...and again...again...best thing to do (always) when making tough decisions....the only problem though is time...

but i took my time...i have rushed some decisions before and i paid a lofty price...

past...a huge influence of what i am now...
we have this old saying..."ang di marunong lumingon sa pinanggalingan, ay di makakarating sa paroroonan" ...i don't know the english counterpart for this...but it's like what Confucius said, "Study the past, if you would divine the future..." yes, all learnings came from our past sometimes, sadly, we are judged by it...and yes, a part of that past is still pulling me back...and i certainly not going to be one of those who are still living in their past...


then the present...contentment...
but whenever i hear contentment, what always play in mind is one of my favorite author's line in of her novels... "Conventionality is the refuge of a stagnant mind" (Judith McNaught)...

and so came future...bright but risky and still vague... 
and though this "fear of the unknown" lurks in mind but gives me a certain kind of rush...still...i can't stop worrying...

so many what ifs...then i came across this... "The secret of the health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly." (Buddha)

i just hope i have made a good decision...(if not the right one at least be good)...and so i pray...

“Learn the past, watch the present, and create the future.”

...

Dear __________,

we have been playing this hide and seek quite so long
starting to feel the flame is not as strong
now, here i am, onto my next attempt to write a new song
with hopes that someday, beside me, you'd be singing along.

oh, indeed, it is hard to wait daylong
contemplating if still necessary for me to prolong
but as long as to someone else, i do not belong
i won't mind the longing
                ...the aching
                ...the waiting........because, to be with someone not you would be so so wrong.

...

Dear __________,

Another day passed.

Now looking for a spell to cast

Because as I watch the rising of a new day

Reality bites...To find you goes a long way.

...

Dear ____________,

I woke up so early this morning. But it was hard to wake up from a wonderful dream especially when everything felt so real. It was thaaat goood that, for the first time, I somehow regret waking up. But, of course, I had, have and need to. Call me silly but I felt that way. Well, I have moved on. Besides, I am and must be contented with the snapshots that somehow escaped to be suppressed into my unconsciousness (again) ...like the other beautiful dreams I had.

You must be wondering as to what made it beautiful that I can’t seem to stop thinking about it.

I know I haven’t seen you. I don’t even know you at all…but I know and really felt that it was you. And even though I still didn’t get to see everything as clearly as I want to with all the windy, foggy surrounding…but I got to hold your hand…in fact, you were gripping my hand as if you want to crash it in a no pain kind of way.

They say dreams have meanings…well, I really do hope that this means you’re within my reach now. And if dreams do come true…may this one and the rest of the dreams related to it, do come true. And when that time comes, I won’t be letting go of that hand…ever.

Until my next dream…

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

One may call me weird for having these dreams. Well, these scenes are quite normal… what is not I guess is me being convinced that it is related to some sort of future reality… yes, in a very futuristic and hopeful perspective anyway… what can I do? I am a hopeless romantic… hehehe… well, no harms done…so let’s continue dreaming.